but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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