What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
