you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
