I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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