Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
