Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
