just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
