i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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