Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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