I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
