i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
