Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
