tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
