the condom got lost in my hair
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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