We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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