what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize