I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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