We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
