i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
