Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
