We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize