So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
