I can text with my tongue
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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