pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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