I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
