Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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