My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
