I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
