1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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