just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
