I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
