"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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