Your dad touched me again.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
