I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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