The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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