It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
