Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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