I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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