I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
