wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
