Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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