I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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