my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize