you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
