1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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