I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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