new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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