just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
