I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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