I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want nice things and good sex
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
