somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
