Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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