My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i love accidental penises.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
