Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
