dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize