I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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