I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
