how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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