Apparently you make a good broom.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
