you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
