Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Randomize
