just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
